A Gunga Gnu Ga

Believe it or not, I was in Los Angeles, at the Ambassador Hotel, when Sirhan Sirhan shot Bobby Kennedy. In fact, I was one of the first to get to him after he'd been hit. I knelt there next to the man, on the cold kitchen floor, and, feeling the words of Kipling stirring in my soul, I thought I'd offer him some refreshment. He'd just had a glass of water before he went down, and, since a bowl of greens sat on a counter a few feet away (it was a kitchen, after all), I offered the injured candidate some of the leafy. He, however, had other desires on his mind, and was realizing they would never be fulfilled. For instance, now he would never lay his eyes on the wild architecture of Bukkitinggi. The conversation we had plays through my mind constantly to this day.

• “Salad?” I ask. “Freest Sumatran art a must see,” RFK said, “alas.”

Audio File

Yes, those tapes do indeed keep giving and giving. But archivists, transcribers, and the public are missing out on half of what the tapes have to offer—because they don't play them backward. If you listen to the latest batch in reverse you will discover that the nation's 37th president not only ordered the Watergate break in, but was actually there for the crime. You can hear him ask an aide if the growing file on the conspiracy contained any surreptitiously captured images of himself:

• Ed, is Nixon image—e.g. "a Minox"—inside?

A Man, a Plan, a Taylor of Panama

So, Sara Taylor, once the White House political director, seems to know something about who sent the order to fire eight U.S. prosecutors that weren't in line with the administration. But there's another mystery unsolved: Why is Taylor now a former White House political director? Exactly who decided to can her remains unclear, despite a recording of the responsible party speaking to a senator.

• Ed, I axed ex-aide.

Incision

When the president's own appointed Surgeon General worries about how the administration conducts its affairs, the whole nation worries too. Tell it to the prophet.

• So, masterful Carmona—no "Mr. ACLU"—frets, Amos.

Rear Guard

An important case for those citizens with buttocks has come up before Manhattan Judge Hartocollis. The question raised is simple enough: Can we show them or can't we? And does it matter why? The verdict on the few cheeks now displayed in Times Square will set the tone for callipygous individuals hoping for similar exposure in the future. As the judge put it, each pair currently viewable on 42nd Street is:

• "An omen ass"—Anemona

Reminds me of a joke I got in trouble for telling in the sixth grade.

War D'oeuvres

A few years ago a certain gangster visited his favorite Italian fast food restaurant in the hopes of picking up one of those appetizer plates of cheese and smoked meats. A regular, he was alarmed to find the menu altered and the dish he sought had a new title. This was back in the "freedom fries" days and the owner of the restaurant, a gangster turned pacifist epicurean, had retaliated in kind. The hostess explained:

• O, Gotti, sir, a wit named 'em "anti-war." Is it to go?

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• 7/07/07

One Step Forward, One Step Backward

The world is hoping that Turkmenistan's new leader will bring reform to this long suffering nation. But can so much be expected out of a henpecked carpet thief? His wife was recently overheard delivering orders while the couple was visiting Kazakhstan:

• Gurbanguly, my lug, nab rug.

Commutnation

Don't go thinking that Bush made his latest decision hastily. No, he had his mind made up long ago. In fact, Bush had been discussing what he planned to do with Mr. Libby with his mother, his children, his dog, and, finally, his shrink. All of them told him the same thing: Let justice be served. A recent transcript of a meeting with his psychiatrist reveals that this this recent move is anything but sudden.

• No, Dr. A prison? No, sir. Pardon!

Terror and Tease on the Campaign Trail

O consonant A consonant A.

Coincidence? Or are Al-Qaeda cells (cubic ones) controlling certain presidential hopefuls with age old tactics in certain locations?

• Osama boxes let Omaha motel sex Obama. So?